超短的英語笑話篇一：英語短笑話

? What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.

(Jon)

? Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.

When did you first notice this problem?

What problem? (Scott)

? What is defference between man and Superman?

Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser. (Tejas Chachcha)

? How do you know if your a red neck?

You go to the family reunon to find a date! (Faithe Ainsworth)

? Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window. (Kyle Burglie)

? Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day!!! (Pisshead Bonehead)

? Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?

Teacher: no, of course not.

Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework. (Scott)

? What is green and smells?

Hulk's fart.

(Azbar Kahleed)

? Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?

Becase he was a party pooper. (Briana)

? You so short you have to look up to look down. (Crystal)

? Yo mamma is so fat:

She eats Wheat Thicks.

We're in her right now.

? She was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for a new world. She lay on the beach and people ran around saying, "FREE WILLY." (M.P. Monaghan)

? Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea lets go bury it". (M. P.

Monaghan)

? Yo mamma so ugly, she got arrested for mooning when she looked out a window. (M. P. Monaghan)

? How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?

Shine a torch into her ear...

? How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

? Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

? What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.

? Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.

? Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

No? Good!

? What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket.

? What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

? Yo mama's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.

? Yo mama's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.

? Yo mama's so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks. ? Yo mama's so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

? Yo mama's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.

? Yo mama's so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.

? How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. ? How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

None. The invisible hand does it.

? How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

? Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.

George Carlin

? You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where

the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneris

? I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner

? I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain. Carol Leifer

? I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat peple.

Ed Bluestone

? I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries". The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that". Jay Leno

? Why don't oysters give to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

? What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?

Nuclear fission.

? Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?

Because it had a nice groove in it!

? How can you tell if a redneck is married?

There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

超短的英語笑話篇二：短篇英語笑話10則帶翻譯

短篇英語笑話10則帶翻譯

① Goldfish金魚

Stan: I won 92 goldfish.

Fred: Where are you going to keep them?

Stan: In the bathroom 。

Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?

Stan: Blindfold（蒙眼睛） them!

=================================================================== 斯丹：我贏了 92 條金魚。

弗雷德：你想在哪兒養(yǎng)它們？

斯丹：浴室。

弗雷德：但是你想洗澡時(shí)怎么辦？

斯丹：蒙住它們的眼睛！

② The Revenge 欺騙的代價(jià)

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones." Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you." Johnson: "But I want you to." Wife: "But why?" Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

=================================================================== 老農(nóng)約翰遜就要死了。他的家人都站在床邊。他聲音低沉地對妻子說：“我死后，我想你嫁給農(nóng)夫瓊斯�！� 妻子說：“不，在你死后，我不能嫁給任何人�！� 約翰遜：“但我希望你這么做�！� 妻子：“為什么？” 約翰遜：“因?yàn)榄偹乖�在一筆販馬的交易中欺騙了我�！�

③ I think that I'm a chicken 我想我是一只雞

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

=================================================================== 精神病醫(yī)師：你哪里不舒服？

病人：我認(rèn)為我是一只雞。

精神病醫(yī)師：這種情況從什么時(shí)候開始的？

病人：從我還是一只蛋的時(shí)候開始。

④ How do I get the gum out我怎么把口香糖取出來

Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, "I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?"

===================================================================

當(dāng)空中小姐給乘客們發(fā)口香糖的時(shí)候，她解釋說口香糖有助于他們防止耳鳴。飛機(jī)著陸后，一位乘客跑到這位空中小姐面前，說道：“ 我馬上就要見到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖從耳朵里面取出來呢？”

⑤ Where Am I 我在哪兒

An Englishman lost his way while he was driving in the countryside. He saw a farmer working in the field nearby, so he went nearer in his car and asked the farmer, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" "Yes, " the farmer looked at him strangely and said, "you are in your car, sir." =================================================================

一個(gè)英國人在鄉(xiāng)下開車時(shí)迷了路，他看見一個(gè)農(nóng)民正在附近的地里干活。于是他就把車開過去問那位農(nóng)民：“勞駕，您能告訴我我現(xiàn)在這是在哪兒嗎？” “可以。”農(nóng)夫奇怪地看了看他，然后說道：“你現(xiàn)在在你的車子里，先生。”

⑥ Why do you never phone me?你為什么不給我打電話？

Mrs Harris lives in a small village. Her husband is dead, but she has one son. He is twenty-one and his name is Geoff. He worked in the shop in the village and lived with his mother, but then he got work in a town and went ant lived there. Its name was Greensea. It was quite a long way from his mother's village, and she was not happy about this, but Geoff said, "There isn't any good work for me in the country, Mother, and I can get a lot of money in Greensea and send you some every week." Mrs Harris was very angry last Sunday. She got in a train and went to her son's house in Greensea. Then she said to him, "Geoff, why do you never phone me?" Geoff laughed. "But, Mother", he said, "you haven't got a phone." "No," she answered, "I haven't, but YOU'VE got one!"

====================================================================== 我會(huì)告訴你這篇沒有中文翻譯嗎。。。

⑦ The Same Action Yields the Same Result相同的投資相同的結(jié)果

A couple of hunters chartered a small plane to fly them to a forest, and made an appointment with the pilot to come back and fetch them in about two weeks. At the end of the two weeks, they had shot a lot of animals that they wanted to load onto the plane. But the pilot said, "This plane won't be able to take more than one wild buffalo. You'll have to leave the others behind." Then the hunters protested, saying, "But last year, another pilot with the same airplane let us take two buffalos and some other animals in the plane as well." So the new pilot thought about it. He was a little bit skeptical, but finally he said, "OK, since you did it last year, I guess this year we can do it again." Then he loaded the two buffalos and a few other animals in, and the plane took off. Five minutes later, it crashed in a neighboring area. The three men climbed out and looked around, and one hunter said to the other, "Where do you think we are now?" The second one surveyed the area and said, "I think we're about one mile to the left of the place we crashed last year."

====================================================================== 有兩個(gè)獵人包機(jī)前往一座森林，到了以后，他們和飛行員約定好兩周后來接。兩周后，他們射了許多動(dòng)物，而且打算把這些動(dòng)物全部搬上那架小飛機(jī)，可是飛行員說：“這架飛機(jī)除了

一頭野牛外，沒辦法再多載了。你們必須把其他的獵物都留下�！� 獵人說：“但是去年另一個(gè)飛行員開一樣的飛機(jī)，就讓我們帶兩只水牛，還有一些其他的動(dòng)物上機(jī)！” 因?yàn)樗麄冞@樣抗議，所以那個(gè)新飛行員想了一想后，盡管還是有點(diǎn)存疑，最后還是妥協(xié)說：“好吧！如果去年可以做到，今年應(yīng)該也可以�！彼�以他裝了兩頭水牛和一些其他的動(dòng)物。結(jié)果飛機(jī)起飛五分鐘后，就墜落在鄰近的地方。這3個(gè)人從飛機(jī)爬出來看了看四周，其中一個(gè)獵人對另一個(gè)說：“你認(rèn)為我們現(xiàn)在在哪兒？” 那個(gè)人瞧了一下，說：“我想大概距離去年墜機(jī)的地方西邊一英哩遠(yuǎn)！”

⑧ Chief is at the wedding 長官在婚禮上

A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street.

"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer."I'm going to put

you in jail until the chief gets back."

"But ,officer, I …."

"I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"

A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."

====================================================================== 大街上的一個(gè)超速駕駛者被警察攔住了�！暗�是警官”這個(gè)人說道，“我可以解釋的”。 “保持安靜”，警察突然說道。“我將把你送往監(jiān)獄，直到長官回來。“但是，警察，我，，，”。 “我說過了保持安靜，你要到監(jiān)獄了�！睅仔�時(shí)后，警察向監(jiān)獄里看了看說道“算你運(yùn)氣好，因?yàn)槲覀兊拈L官正在他女兒的婚禮上。他將帶著一個(gè)愉快的心情回來的。” “你確定”在牢房里的這個(gè)人說道。“我就是新郎呀”。

⑨ Who Is the Laziest 誰最懶

Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?

Tom: I don't know, father.

Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?

Tom: Our teacher, father.

====================================================================== 父親：哎，湯姆，今天我跟你們老師談過，現(xiàn)在我想問你個(gè)問題。你們班上誰最懶？湯姆：我不知道，爸爸。父親：啊，不對，你知道！想想看，當(dāng)別的孩子們都在做作業(yè)、寫字時(shí)，誰在課堂上坐著，只是看人家做功課？湯姆：我們老師，爸爸。

⑩ Two Birds 兩只鳥

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

====================================================================== 老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？學(xué)生：我指不出，但我知道答案。老師：請說說看。學(xué)生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。

超短的英語笑話篇三：簡單英語小笑話

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一個(gè)大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000個(gè)人。

-- 他真是一個(gè)大人物。干什么的？

-- 墓地守墓人。

My little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the newspapers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不識(shí)字

布朗夫人：哦，

親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！

史密斯夫人：可是你該在報(bào)紙上登廣告啊！

布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認(rèn)識(shí)字�！�

Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

給我那個(gè)打贏的吧

-- 服務(wù)員，

這個(gè)龍蝦只有一只爪。

-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。

-- 哦， 那給我那個(gè)打贏的吧。

Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。

“昨天給你的錢干什么了？”

“我給了一個(gè)可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個(gè)好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說�！霸俳o你兩分錢�？赡銥槭裁磳δ俏焕咸�太那么感興趣呢？”

“她是個(gè)賣糖果的�！�

Jim’s History Examination

Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination?

Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn't his fault. They asked him things that happened before the poor boy was born.

吉姆的歷史考試

舅舅：吉姆這孩子歷史考得怎么樣？

母親：唉，糟透了�？稍捰终f回來，這也不能怪他。嗨，他們盡問一些這個(gè) 可憐的孩子出生前的事兒。

1. He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny?

Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.

Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?

Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他贏了

湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？

約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。

湯姆：真糟糕，怎么回事兒？

約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠(yuǎn)，他贏了。

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