小笑話英語(yǔ)篇一：英語(yǔ)幽默小笑話六篇

? 英語(yǔ)幽默小笑話六篇

?

frog 青蛙

Frog The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."

老師正在給學(xué)生上生物課：“現(xiàn)在，我將要給你們看我袋子里的這只青蛙�！苯又�，他把手伸進(jìn)口袋，卻拿出了一份雞肉三文治。老師滿臉困惑地看了一眼，沉思了一會(huì)兒，說(shuō)道：“真奇怪。我明明記得我已經(jīng)把午飯吃掉了。”

人們什么時(shí)候說(shuō)話最少？

Teacher: What is the plural of man,Tom?

老師: 湯姆，“男人”這個(gè)詞的復(fù)數(shù)形式是什么?

Tom: Men.

湯姆:男人們。

Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?

老師: 答得好。那“孩子”的復(fù)數(shù)形式呢?

Tom : Twins.

湯姆: 雙胞胎。

誰(shuí)欠誰(shuí)錢(qián)

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $250 due for a consultation.

律師的狗，沒(méi)有拴而到處閑逛，它來(lái)到一家肉店，偷走了一塊 烤肉。店主來(lái)到律師的辦公室，問(wèn)道“如果一條沒(méi)栓的狗從我的商店里偷了塊肉，我有權(quán)利從狗的主人那里要回?fù)p失嗎？律師答道：“完全可以”，“那你欠我 8.50美元，你的狗沒(méi)栓而且今天從我的店里頭了塊肉”，律師什么都沒(méi)說(shuō)，馬上給他寫(xiě)了一張支票。一些天后，店主打開(kāi)郵箱，發(fā)現(xiàn)一封來(lái)自律師的信，信上寫(xiě) 道：咨詢費(fèi)250美元。I Have His Ear in My Pocket

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"

"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.

"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問(wèn)，“發(fā)生了什么事？”

“一個(gè)男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡說(shuō)。

“再見(jiàn)到他你能認(rèn)出來(lái)嗎？”媽媽問(wèn)。

“他走到哪里我都能認(rèn)出他，”伊凡說(shuō)�！八�的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢�！�

Give up your seat to a lady給女士讓座

Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

"You've done the right thing," says Mommy.

"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

小強(qiáng)尼說(shuō)：“媽媽，今天早上和爸爸在公車上時(shí)，他叫我讓座給一位女士�！�

媽媽說(shuō)：“你做得很對(duì)呀�！�

“但是，媽媽，我是坐在爸爸膝蓋上的�！�

What Was It She Wanted？

A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer．“No，ma’am， we haven't had any for a while， and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon．” Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，“Of course， we'll have somesoon， We placed an order last week．” Then the manager drewthe clerk aside：“Never， never， never say we are out of anything—say we've got it on order and it's coming． Now whatwas it she wanted？” “Rain．” said the clerk．

一個(gè)商店經(jīng)理聽(tīng)見(jiàn)一個(gè)店員對(duì)顧客說(shuō)：“不，夫人，這會(huì)兒沒(méi)有，一時(shí)半會(huì)兒看來(lái)也不會(huì)有�！苯�(jīng)理驚恐萬(wàn)分地跑到顧客跟前說(shuō)：“當(dāng)然，馬上就會(huì)有的。我們上周訂了貨�！比缓蠼�(jīng)理把店員拉到一邊：“千萬(wàn)，千萬(wàn)，千萬(wàn)不要說(shuō)我們沒(méi)有什么——說(shuō)我們已經(jīng)訂了貨，貨馬上就到�，F(xiàn)在你說(shuō)她要買(mǎi)什么？” “雨，”店員說(shuō)。

小笑話英語(yǔ)篇二：英文小笑話

英語(yǔ)笑話（一）

老師在黑板上寫(xiě)了一句：Time is money.并讓同學(xué)們翻譯。有名學(xué)生答道：“湯姆是瑪麗。”

小明上英文課時(shí)跟老師說(shuō)：May I go to the toilet?

老師說(shuō)：Go ahead.

小明就坐了下來(lái)。過(guò)了一會(huì)兒，小明又跟老師說(shuō)：May I go to the toilet?

老師說(shuō)：Go ahead.

小明又坐了下來(lái)。他旁邊的同學(xué)于是忍不住問(wèn)：你不是跟老師說(shuō)要上廁所嗎？怎么不去？

小明說(shuō)：你沒(méi)聽(tīng)老師說(shuō)「去你個(gè)頭」啊！

英語(yǔ)笑話（二）

某日劉洪濤遇到外賓，上前搭話曰：I am hongtao liu，外賓曰：我TM還是方片七呢！

英語(yǔ)笑話（三）

江青會(huì)見(jiàn)外賓，要求翻譯要嚴(yán)格按她的意思翻，不許走樣。外賓一見(jiàn)到江青，立刻拍馬屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻譯照翻，江青心

花怒 放，嘴上還要謙虛一下：“哪里，哪里”。

翻譯不敢怠慢，把江青的話翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外賓一愣，還有這樣的人，追問(wèn)哪里漂亮的，干脆馬屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."

翻譯：“你到處都很漂亮。”江青更高興了，但總是要客氣一下：“不見(jiàn)得，不見(jiàn)得”。翻譯趕緊翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see."

英語(yǔ)笑話（四）

話說(shuō)某年某月的某一天，叁個(gè)神箭手約在一起比箭，目標(biāo)是十尺外仆人頭上的蘋(píng)果。A神箭手挽弓長(zhǎng)射，咻一聲，利箭正中蘋(píng)果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「I AM后羿！」

B神箭手照本宣科，射中蘋(píng)果，這回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM丘比特！」

輪到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！ 結(jié)果正中仆人的心臟。就聽(tīng)他結(jié)結(jié)巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」

英語(yǔ)笑話（五）

某人刻苦學(xué)習(xí)英語(yǔ)，終有小成。一日上街不慎與一老外相撞， 忙說(shuō)：I am sorry.

老外應(yīng)道：I am sorry too.

某人聽(tīng)后又道：I am sorry three.

老外不解，問(wèn)：What are you sorry for?

某人無(wú)奈，道：I am sorry five.

英語(yǔ)笑話（六）

一位來(lái)自日本的旅客，坐出租車去機(jī)場(chǎng)的路上，看到一輛汽車經(jīng)過(guò)，就說(shuō)：“oh，TOyOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”又有一輛經(jīng)過(guò)，他又說(shuō)： “oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”司機(jī)有點(diǎn)不高興，覺(jué)得他太吵了！當(dāng)?shù)谌�輛經(jīng)過(guò)時(shí)，他還是說(shuō)：“oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”

后來(lái)到了機(jī)場(chǎng)，那個(gè)日本人就問(wèn)：“How Much？”出租車司機(jī)說(shuō)：“1000！”

日本人驚奇的問(wèn)司機(jī)：“為什么那么貴？”出租車司機(jī)回答說(shuō)：“oh，mileometer（計(jì) 程表）！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”

英語(yǔ)笑話（七）

英語(yǔ)老師問(wèn)一個(gè)學(xué)生，“How are you是什么意思”

學(xué)生想how是怎么，you 是你，于是回答“怎么是你？”

老師生氣又問(wèn)另一個(gè)同學(xué)：“How old are you ?是什么意思？”

這個(gè)同學(xué)想了想說(shuō)：“怎么老是你。

, 一位在美的留學(xué)生,想要考國(guó)際駕照.在考試時(shí)因?yàn)檫^(guò)于緊張,看到地上標(biāo)線是向左轉(zhuǎn). 他不放心的問(wèn)道:turn left?

監(jiān)考官回答:right.

于是他立刻向右轉(zhuǎn).

很抱歉他只有下次再來(lái).

4, 一位中國(guó)學(xué)生在美國(guó)加州目睹了一起交通事故,由于好奇一直沒(méi)有離開(kāi).

警察來(lái)了以后問(wèn)他知不知道事情的經(jīng)過(guò),

he said:"one car come, one car go, two car peng peng, one car die.

英語(yǔ)笑話（二）

某**劉洪濤遇到外賓，上前搭話曰：I am

hongtao liu，外賓曰：我TM還是方片七呢！ 英語(yǔ)笑話（十）

傳說(shuō)克林頓和教皇同一天去世，上帝搞錯(cuò)了，把克林頓送上了天堂，而把教皇送入了 地獄。發(fā)現(xiàn)錯(cuò)誤后上帝馬上改了回來(lái)，路上二人相遇。 精彩繼續(xù)教皇：感謝上帝，我終于能見(jiàn)到圣母瑪利亞了（Virgin Maria）. 克林頓（壞笑中）：Sorry，it"s too late. 13 小強(qiáng)去看電影，到了電影售票處，發(fā)現(xiàn)一個(gè)老外和售票小姐連說(shuō)帶比得好半天，就自告奮勇的上前做翻譯，售票小姐說(shuō)：麻煩你告訴她，現(xiàn)在坐票售完

了只剩下站票，如果要看要站著看。

小強(qiáng)轉(zhuǎn)頭就對(duì)老外說(shuō)：no sit see, stand see. if see stand see.

老外回答說(shuō):Sorry I don’t understand your English.

小強(qiáng)就對(duì)售票小姐說(shuō)：哦，他說(shuō)他不懂英文.....

中國(guó)建設(shè)銀行——CBC (Construction Bank of China)——“存不存？”

中國(guó)銀行 ——BC （Bank of China）——“不存�！�

中國(guó)農(nóng)業(yè)銀行——ABC (Agriculture Bank of China)——“啊，不存”

中國(guó)工商銀行——ICBC (Industry and Commercial Bank of China)——“愛(ài)存不存” 民生銀行 ——CMSB （China Min sheng Bank）——“存嗎？傻比”

招商銀行 ——CMBC——“存嗎？？白癡！”

興業(yè)銀行 ——CIB——“存一百”

國(guó)家開(kāi)發(fā)銀行——CDB （China Deve lopment Bank）——存點(diǎn)吧！”

一個(gè)中國(guó)人

（當(dāng)然是外語(yǔ)不大好的啦）踩了一個(gè)老外的腳，為了顯示咱國(guó)家是有名的禮儀之邦，就先SORRY啦，老外更是禮貌有加，就來(lái)個(gè)sorry too.

two??the chinese puzzled.恩，咱中國(guó)人還不是得禮尚往來(lái)？！~那就I am sorry three~這下老外蒙了，一句what are you sorry for?

暈，還有完沒(méi)完啊，還FOUR？！~哼，偶跟你卯上了，Iam sorry five~(who怕 who？！~）

14.我朋友在南大看到一非洲老外：“hello，你媽是猴兒�！崩贤庥眉冋�的天津話說(shuō)：“你媽是大猩猩！”

1、 一人在辦公室老是放響屁，同事忍不住說(shuō)：你能不能不出聲？然后便見(jiàn)他坐在那搖來(lái)晃去抖個(gè)不停，問(wèn)：干什么？回答說(shuō)：我調(diào)成振動(dòng)的了！

2、 一次軍事演習(xí)中，一 顆炮彈偏離很遠(yuǎn)，派去查看的士兵發(fā)現(xiàn)：炮彈落在農(nóng)田里，田中正站著

你，你 衣衫破碎滿面漆黑飽含熱淚地說(shuō)：偷顆白菜犯得著用炮彈轟？？？

3、 農(nóng)民趕驢進(jìn)城，遇到 無(wú)賴，無(wú)賴：吃飯沒(méi)？農(nóng)民說(shuō)：吃了。無(wú)賴：我問(wèn)的是驢。農(nóng)民一聽(tīng)，

轉(zhuǎn)身對(duì) 驢扇兩耳光：媽的，城里有親戚也不說(shuō)一聲

4、 10、動(dòng)物園里有只猩猩奇丑無(wú)比，有一天我去看了，我吐了，你去看了，猩猩吐了??，

我就吶悶，人和人的差別怎么就這么大呢。

5、

6、11、一農(nóng)民到某汽車銷售中心，只見(jiàn)他掏出2000元人民幣往桌子上一拍：“給我

來(lái)輛桑塔納�！睜I(yíng)業(yè)員大驚：“你的錢(qián)不夠啊！”農(nóng)民不解：“外面不是寫(xiě)著‘桑塔納2000’嗎？”營(yíng)業(yè)員：“哦??那您出門(mén)往右拐，那家公司的奔馳才600！”

7、 、一位先生去考駕照�？谠嚂r(shí)，主考官問(wèn)：“當(dāng)你看到一只狗和一個(gè)人在車前時(shí)，你

是軋狗還是軋人？”

8、那位先生不假思索地回答：“當(dāng)然是軋狗了�！�

9、主考官搖搖頭說(shuō)：“你下次再來(lái)考試吧�！�

10、那位先生很不服氣：“我不軋狗，難道軋人嗎？”

11、主考官大聲訓(xùn)斥道：“你應(yīng)該剎車�！�

12、 有個(gè)人第一次在集市上賣冰棍，不好意思叫賣，旁邊有一個(gè)人正高聲喊：“賣冰棍”，

他只好喊道：“我也是�！�

13、 倆屎殼螂討論福利彩票，甲說(shuō):我要中了大獎(jiǎng)就把方圓50里的廁所都買(mǎi)下來(lái)，每天吃

個(gè)夠！乙說(shuō):你丫太俗了！我要是中了大獎(jiǎng)就包一活人，每天吃新鮮的 有一對(duì)玉米相愛(ài)了…

于是它們決定結(jié)婚…

結(jié)婚那天…

一個(gè)玉米找不到另一個(gè)玉米了…

這個(gè)玉米就問(wèn)身旁的爆米花：你看到我們家玉米了嗎?

爆米花：親愛(ài)的，人家穿婚紗了嘛…….

14、 1.一個(gè)人騎摩托車喜歡反穿衣服，就是把扣子在后面扣上，可以擋風(fēng)。一天他酒后駕

駛，翻了，一頭栽在路旁。 警員趕到后... 警員甲：好嚴(yán)重的車禍。 警員乙：是啊，腦袋都撞到后面去了。 警員甲：嗯，還有呼吸，我們幫他把頭轉(zhuǎn)回來(lái)吧。 警員乙：好...一、二使勁，轉(zhuǎn)回來(lái)了。 警員甲：嗯，沒(méi)有呼吸了?? 、 很久墨收到你的信息 俺很心疼

俺想到死 曾用薯片割過(guò)脈 用豆腐撞過(guò)頭 用降落傘跳過(guò)樓

用面條上過(guò)吊 可都墨死成

你就請(qǐng)俺吃頓飯 撐死俺算了

15、 20年前媽抱著你在 等車，人都笑話孩子長(zhǎng)的難看，媽哭了，一個(gè)賣香蕉的老大爺拍拍媽媽說(shuō)：

大妹子 別哭啦！把香蕉給你家猴吃吧！真可憐都餓的沒(méi)毛了。。。

鴨子和螃蟹賽跑,一起到達(dá)終點(diǎn)，難分勝負(fù)，裁判說(shuō)：你們來(lái)個(gè)剪刀石頭布吧 鴨子大怒：媽的，算計(jì)我?我一出是布，他總是剪刀。

狗對(duì)熊說(shuō)：嫁給我吧,嫁給我你會(huì)幸福。熊說(shuō)：才不嫁呢，嫁給你只會(huì)生狗熊，我要嫁給貓，生熊貓那才尊貴呢!

老鱉調(diào)戲河蚌，被咬，老鱉忍痛拖著河蚌來(lái)回爬，青蛙見(jiàn)了敬佩的說(shuō)：乖乖，鱉哥混大了，出入都加著公文包。

蜜蜂狂追蝴蝶，蝴蝶卻嫁給了蝸牛。蜜蜂不解：他哪里比我好 蝴蝶回答：人家好歹有自己的房子，哪像你住在集體宿舍

老師發(fā)現(xiàn)小明每次去廁所后都洗手，希望全班都向他學(xué)習(xí)，便帶同學(xué)到水房，可小明沒(méi)洗手就回了教室，

老師問(wèn)：為什么？小明答：今天我有帶手紙.

猜謎：數(shù)字"3"在路上走呀走，翻了一個(gè)跟斗，又接著翻了一個(gè)。（打一成語(yǔ)）謎底：三番兩次。

一只豬和一只企鵝被關(guān)在-20℃的冷庫(kù)里,第二天企鵝死了,豬沒(méi)事.為什么?你不知道?對(duì)了,豬也不知道!

有一學(xué)生說(shuō)："老師，我想拉屎！"老師："說(shuō)話要文明！"學(xué)生沉默一會(huì)兒說(shuō)："老師，我屁股想吐！" 有1天,二丐外出乞食,路見(jiàn)一堆餿飯,酸臭.甲很高興的就吃了起來(lái),乙在邊上看,并不與他爭(zhēng)食.數(shù)分鐘后,甲肚子不舒服,吐了!乙高興的說(shuō):等的就是這口熱的..

12.

三個(gè)人被強(qiáng)盜擄到了一個(gè)小島上，但是強(qiáng)盜突發(fā)良心，對(duì)這三個(gè)人說(shuō)，你們?nèi)齻�(gè)人在島上采十個(gè)果子

于是三個(gè)人去采果子了，第一個(gè)人采了十個(gè)蘋(píng)果回來(lái)，強(qiáng)盜對(duì)他說(shuō)如果你一口氣吃完就放了他，這個(gè)人吃了三個(gè)喘了口氣，于是強(qiáng)盜殺了他

第二個(gè)人采了十個(gè)草莓，但吃到第九個(gè)的時(shí)候突然笑了下，沒(méi)吃完也被殺了

這兩個(gè)人上了天堂見(jiàn)了面，于是第一個(gè)問(wèn)第二個(gè)說(shuō)：你草莓怎么也上來(lái)了

第二個(gè)人答說(shuō)：第三個(gè)人抱了十個(gè)西瓜

最懶的人

職介所經(jīng)理對(duì)十個(gè)面試的上人說(shuō)：“現(xiàn)在有一件十分輕松的工作很適合平時(shí)比較懶散的人去做，愿意的請(qǐng)舉手�！苯�(jīng)理一說(shuō)完有九只手齊刷刷地舉了起來(lái)，經(jīng)理問(wèn)那個(gè)坐著不動(dòng)的年輕人：“你不想得到這份輕松的工作嗎？”年輕人說(shuō)：“想呀！”“那你怎么不舉手呢？”年輕人不屑一顧地說(shuō)：“我懶得舉手！”經(jīng)理說(shuō)：“那好，看來(lái)你最適合這個(gè)看墓地的工作了！”

誰(shuí)知道過(guò)了兩天這年輕人跑了回來(lái)訴苦說(shuō)：“不干了，他們一個(gè)個(gè)躺著，還要我坐在那里看著他們！太不公平了！”

主人家養(yǎng)了一條白狗看家。一天男主人上班時(shí)突然降溫，就找同事借了一件黑色的外衣穿在身上，到家后那狗對(duì)著他狂吠就是不讓他進(jìn)門(mén)。男主人火了操起一根木棒就朝狗打了下去。等到狗逃開(kāi)了男主人才怒氣沖沖地進(jìn)了家門(mén)。一進(jìn)門(mén)妻子可來(lái)氣了，數(shù)落著丈夫說(shuō)：“你早 你也認(rèn)不出來(lái)

小笑話英語(yǔ)篇三：英語(yǔ)小笑話!~

搞笑英語(yǔ)短文

Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢(qián)。

“昨天給你的錢(qián)干什么了？”

“我給了一個(gè)可憐的老太婆，”他回答說(shuō)。 “你真是個(gè)好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說(shuō)。“再給你兩分錢(qián)�？赡銥槭裁磳�(duì)那位老太太那么感興趣呢？”

“她是個(gè)賣糖果的�！�

I've Just Bitten My Tongue

"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.

"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"

"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

我剛咬破自己的舌頭

“我們有毒嗎？”一個(gè)年幼的蛇問(wèn)它的母親。

“是的，親愛(ài)的，”她回答說(shuō)，“你問(wèn)這個(gè)干什么？”

“因?yàn)槲覄倓傄�破自己的舌頭�！�

Father's Things

When Tom Howard was seventeen years old he was as tall as his father, so he began to borrow Mr. Howard's clothes when he wanted to go out with his friends in the evening.

Mr. Howard did not like this, and he always got very angry when he found his son wearing any of his things.

One evening when Tom came downstairs to go out, his father stopped him in the hall. He looked at Tom's clothes very carefully.

Then he said angrily, "Isn't that one of my ties, Tom?"

"Yes, Father, it is," answered Tom.

"And that shirt's mine too."

"Yes, that's yours too," answered Tom.

"And you're wearing my belt!" said Mr. Howard.

"Yes, I am, Father," answered Tom. "You don't want your trousers to fall down, do you?"

父親的東西

湯姆.霍德華十七歲的時(shí)候，長(zhǎng)得和父親一樣高了，于是當(dāng)他晚上和朋友一起出去時(shí)，就開(kāi)始借父親的衣服穿。

霍德華先生可不喜歡這樣，當(dāng)他發(fā)現(xiàn)他的兒子穿他的衣服時(shí)，總是非常生氣。 一天晚上，湯姆下樓準(zhǔn)備出去，父親在門(mén)廳里攔住了他。他細(xì)細(xì)打量著湯姆的穿著。

然后他氣呼呼地說(shuō)：“湯姆，那不是我的一條領(lǐng)帶嗎？”

湯姆回答說(shuō)：“是的，父親，是你的領(lǐng)帶�！�

“還有那襯衫也是我的�！�

“是的，襯衫也是你的�！睖�姆回答說(shuō)。

“還有呢，你連皮帶也用我的�！被舻氯A先生說(shuō)。

“是的，父親，”湯姆回答說(shuō)，“你不愿意讓你的褲子掉下來(lái)吧？”

Sleeping Pills

Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.

Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning." "That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?" 安眠藥

鮑勃晚上失眠。他去看醫(yī)生，醫(yī)生給他開(kāi)了一些強(qiáng)力安眠藥。

星期天晚上鮑勃吃了藥，睡得很好，在鬧鐘響之前就醒了過(guò)來(lái)。他到了辦公室，遛達(dá)進(jìn)去，對(duì)老板說(shuō)：“我今天早上起床一點(diǎn)麻煩都沒(méi)有�！�

“好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪兒去了？”

Big Head

“All the kids make fun of me”the boy cried to his mother.“They say I have a big head”

“Don't listen to them.”his mother comforted him.“You have a beautiful head .Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes” “Where's the shopping bag?”

“I haven't got one,use your hat.”

大腦袋

“所有的孩子都拿我取樂(lè)，”小男孩哭著跟媽媽說(shuō)：“他們說(shuō)我長(zhǎng)了一個(gè)大腦袋�！�

“別聽(tīng)他們的，”他媽媽安慰說(shuō)：“你的腦袋長(zhǎng)得很漂亮。好了，別哭了，去商店買(mǎi)10磅土豆來(lái)。”

“購(gòu)物袋在哪？”

“我沒(méi)有購(gòu)物袋，就用你的帽子吧�！�

Class and Ass

Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today."

A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c".

Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l".

班和笨驢

格拉斯哥的勞里教授在門(mén)上貼了這樣一個(gè)通知：“勞里教授今天不見(jiàn)他的班級(jí)�！�

一個(gè)學(xué)生讀了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”(lass：姑娘)。

后來(lái)勞里教授來(lái)了，也想開(kāi)開(kāi)玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l(fā)”(ass：笨驢)。 Plagiarism

A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St. Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper. He summoned the student to his office. "This isn't your work." he said. "Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia.

"You cann't prove that!" the student sputtered.

My friend amiled and show him the paper. Circled in red was: "Also see article on communism."

抄 襲

我有個(gè)朋友在圣路易斯的華盛頓大學(xué)教歐洲歷史，他說(shuō)有一次他發(fā)現(xiàn)了一篇抄襲的學(xué)期論文。他把那個(gè)學(xué)生叫到了辦公室�！斑@不是你寫(xiě)的，”他說(shuō)，“有人幫你從百科全書(shū)上原封不動(dòng)地打印了下來(lái)�！�

“你沒(méi)有證據(jù)�！蹦菍W(xué)生氣急敗壞地說(shuō)。

我朋友笑了，他把論文拿給他看。用紅筆圈出來(lái)的是：“也可參閱共產(chǎn)主義一文�！�

Virtue

Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the

elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student. When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue."

美 德

獲取研究生學(xué)位多年以后，我回到位于賓翰頓的紐約州立大學(xué)當(dāng)教員。一天，電梯里很擁擠，有人抱怨電梯效率太低。我說(shuō)自我在那里當(dāng)學(xué)生起，20年來(lái)電梯一直沒(méi)有換過(guò)。

最后當(dāng)電梯門(mén)打開(kāi)時(shí)，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回過(guò)頭來(lái)我看到一位年長(zhǎng)的修女正在朝我微笑�！澳銜�(huì)拿到學(xué)位的，親愛(ài)的，”她低聲說(shuō)道：“堅(jiān)持不懈是一種美德�！�

Difference

"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."

區(qū) 別

“研究生班和本科生很容易就能區(qū)別開(kāi)來(lái)，”在洛杉磯加利福利亞州立大學(xué)給我們研究生上工程學(xué)課的老師如此說(shuō)�！拔艺f(shuō)‘下午好’，本科生們回答說(shuō)‘下午好’。研究生們則把我說(shuō)的話記在筆記本上。”

Flunking Math

My son, who made the dean's list in his freshman year at Ball State

University in Muncie, Ind., called home a few weeks after starting his sophomore year as a psychology student.

"Mom," he said excitely, "I have found the answer to surviving college! It isn't the grades that are so important, but the quality of what is learned and how it is applied to daily life. I'm lucky to be having these wonderful experiences!"

"And just what does this mean?" I asked.

"I'm flunking math," he replied.

數(shù)學(xué)沒(méi)及格

我兒子是印第安那市曼西爾波州立大學(xué)的學(xué)生，大學(xué)一年級(jí)就上了系主任的名單。第二年他學(xué)心理學(xué)，剛幾個(gè)星期他就給家里打了個(gè)電話。

“媽媽，”他激動(dòng)地說(shuō)：“我找到了如何在大學(xué)里生存下去的答案!重要的不是分?jǐn)?shù)，而是具備將學(xué)到的知識(shí)應(yīng)用于日常生活的素質(zhì)。我很幸運(yùn)地有了這種奇妙的經(jīng)歷�！�

“你到底是什么意思？”我問(wèn)道。

“我數(shù)學(xué)沒(méi)及格�！彼�回答說(shuō)。

Part-time Job

When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles.

"How was your first day?" I asked.

"It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls."

Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?" "Do you prefer paper or plastic?"

業(yè)余工作

我兒子在一所中學(xué)讀二年級(jí)時(shí)，在一家超級(jí)市場(chǎng)找到了一份包裝商品的業(yè)余工作。他滿面笑容地回到了家。

“第一天感覺(jué)如何？”我問(wèn)。

“好極了，爸爸�！彼�答道，“我跟許多漂亮的女孩子講了話。”

由于斯蒂芬不善言談，我問(wèn)道：“你跟他們說(shuō)了些什么？”

“你是喜歡紙包裝還是塑料包裝？”

Keys? Kiss?

A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me the kays." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss. Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated. "Give me the kays." The Italian shrugged his shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks.

鑰匙還是接吻

我的一位朋友在給一個(gè)成人學(xué)生班級(jí)上英語(yǔ)課。他們都是新近來(lái)美國(guó)生活的。在一張桌子上擺了許多日常用品之后，他請(qǐng)全班同學(xué)給他挑出尺子，書(shū)本，鋼筆等。課進(jìn)行得井然有序，學(xué)生們對(duì)自己所做的似乎很感興趣，也很認(rèn)真。后來(lái)輪到一名來(lái)自意大利的學(xué)生，我的朋友說(shuō)：“給我鑰匙�！蹦侨丝雌饋�(lái)非常吃驚，也有點(diǎn)手足無(wú)措�？吹竭@種情況，我的朋友想是他沒(méi)有聽(tīng)清楚，于是又重復(fù)了一遍：“給我鑰匙。”那位意大利學(xué)生聳了聳肩。接著，他伸出胳膊摟住老師的脖子在雙頰上親了兩下。

Prepare Yourself

A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop."

Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself." 自己做好準(zhǔn)備

校園里流傳著這樣的故事：一個(gè)學(xué)生一次給父母拍了一份電報(bào)，上面寫(xiě)著：“媽媽－我所有功課都不及格，被學(xué)校開(kāi)除。讓爸爸做好準(zhǔn)備�！�

兩天以后，他收到了回電：“爸爸已準(zhǔn)備好。你自己做好準(zhǔn)備吧!”

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