簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)笑話篇一：簡(jiǎn)單的英語(yǔ)笑話帶翻譯

Blonde's Appendicitis-金發(fā)美女的闌尾炎

A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."

The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."

一個(gè)金發(fā)美女的腹部側(cè)面感到劇痛。醫(yī)生檢查之后告訴他：“你得了急性闌尾炎。（金發(fā)美女聽(tīng)成acute 以為是a cute，一個(gè)可愛(ài)的闌尾炎）”

金發(fā)美女說(shuō)：“您真貼心，醫(yī)生，但是我是來(lái)求醫(yī)的�！�

Little Johnny... Finding Jesus 小強(qiáng)尼-尋找耶穌

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."Mary answers, "He's in my heart."Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this."Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"一名主日學(xué)校的老師擔(dān)心他的學(xué)生們有可能對(duì)耶穌感到困惑，于是他問(wèn)他的學(xué)生們：“耶穌今天在哪里？”斯蒂芬舉起他的手，說(shuō)道：“他在天堂�！爆旣惢卮穑骸八�在我心里�！毙�強(qiáng)尼用力揮了揮手，脫口而出：“他在我們?cè)∈依�！”大吃一驚的老師問(wèn)小強(qiáng)尼他怎么知道這個(gè)�！斑@個(gè)嘛，”小強(qiáng)尼說(shuō)：“每天早上，我父親起床后，都會(huì)敲浴室的門喊著?基督-耶穌，你還在里面��？?”

Little Johnny... Know It All 小強(qiáng)尼什么都知道

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"小強(qiáng)尼問(wèn)他母親的年齡是多少。她回答道：“紳士們是不會(huì)問(wèn)女士們這個(gè)問(wèn)題的�！庇谑菑�(qiáng)尼問(wèn)他母親她的體重是多少。他的母親再一次回答：“紳士們是不會(huì)問(wèn)女士們這個(gè)問(wèn)題的�！庇谑沁@孩紙問(wèn)：“為什么爸爸離開(kāi)了你？”對(duì)于這個(gè)問(wèn)題，這位母親說(shuō)：“你不應(yīng)該問(wèn)這個(gè)問(wèn)題。”然后把他送回他自己的房間。在走的時(shí)候，強(qiáng)尼被他母親的錢包絆倒。當(dāng)他把錢包撿起來(lái)的時(shí)候，她的駕照掉了出來(lái)。強(qiáng)尼跑回母親的房間說(shuō)：“現(xiàn)在關(guān)于你的問(wèn)題我都知道答案了。你36歲了，體重127磅，還有爸爸離開(kāi)你的原因是因?yàn)槟阍趕ex上的考評(píng)是F！”（got an 'F' in sex，孩紙啊，你想歪了，那是“性別：女”啊……）

Little Johnny... Definite Definition 小強(qiáng)尼-肯定的定義

The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue.""That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."幼兒園老師說(shuō)：“我們今天要做詞匯題了。誰(shuí)能在句子里運(yùn)用“肯定”這個(gè)詞？”瑪麗舉了手大聲說(shuō)：“我我我！”老師說(shuō)：“你說(shuō)吧，什么句子？”瑪麗回答：“天空肯定是藍(lán)藍(lán)的�！薄盎卮鸬貌诲e(cuò)，瑪麗”老師點(diǎn)評(píng)道：“但天空也可能是灰色或者白色的�！鄙侥放e手說(shuō)道：“草地肯定是綠色的�！崩蠋熣f(shuō)：“回答得不錯(cuò)，山姆，但是草地也可能是棕色的�！毙�強(qiáng)尼舉手問(wèn)道：“屁會(huì)結(jié)成塊兒?jiǎn)幔俊崩蠋熣f(shuō)：“不會(huì)的，強(qiáng)尼，你為什么問(wèn)這個(gè)問(wèn)題？”小強(qiáng)尼回答：“好吧，我“肯定”大便在褲襠里了�！�

經(jīng)同意轉(zhuǎn)載自：

簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)笑話篇二：短篇英語(yǔ)笑話10則帶翻譯

短篇英語(yǔ)笑話10則帶翻譯

① Goldfish金魚(yú)

Stan: I won 92 goldfish.

Fred: Where are you going to keep them?

Stan: In the bathroom 。

Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?

Stan: Blindfold（蒙眼睛） them!

=================================================================== 斯丹：我贏了 92 條金魚(yú)。

弗雷德：你想在哪兒養(yǎng)它們？

斯丹：浴室。

弗雷德：但是你想洗澡時(shí)怎么辦？

斯丹：蒙住它們的眼睛！

② The Revenge 欺騙的代價(jià)

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones." Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you." Johnson: "But I want you to." Wife: "But why?" Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

=================================================================== 老農(nóng)約翰遜就要死了。他的家人都站在床邊。他聲音低沉地對(duì)妻子說(shuō)：“我死后，我想你嫁給農(nóng)夫瓊斯�！� 妻子說(shuō)：“不，在你死后，我不能嫁給任何人�！� 約翰遜：“但我希望你這么做�！� 妻子：“為什么？” 約翰遜：“因?yàn)榄偹乖�在一筆販馬的交易中欺騙了我。”

③ I think that I'm a chicken 我想我是一只雞

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

=================================================================== 精神病醫(yī)師：你哪里不舒服？

病人：我認(rèn)為我是一只雞。

精神病醫(yī)師：這種情況從什么時(shí)候開(kāi)始的？

病人：從我還是一只蛋的時(shí)候開(kāi)始。

④ How do I get the gum out我怎么把口香糖取出來(lái)

Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, "I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?"

===================================================================

當(dāng)空中小姐給乘客們發(fā)口香糖的時(shí)候，她解釋說(shuō)口香糖有助于他們防止耳鳴。飛機(jī)著陸后，一位乘客跑到這位空中小姐面前，說(shuō)道：“ 我馬上就要見(jiàn)到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖從耳朵里面取出來(lái)呢？”

⑤ Where Am I 我在哪兒

An Englishman lost his way while he was driving in the countryside. He saw a farmer working in the field nearby, so he went nearer in his car and asked the farmer, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" "Yes, " the farmer looked at him strangely and said, "you are in your car, sir." =================================================================

一個(gè)英國(guó)人在鄉(xiāng)下開(kāi)車時(shí)迷了路，他看見(jiàn)一個(gè)農(nóng)民正在附近的地里干活。于是他就把車開(kāi)過(guò)去問(wèn)那位農(nóng)民：“勞駕，您能告訴我我現(xiàn)在這是在哪兒?jiǎn)�？�?“可以�！鞭r(nóng)夫奇怪地看了看他，然后說(shuō)道：“你現(xiàn)在在你的車子里，先生。”

⑥ Why do you never phone me?你為什么不給我打電話？

Mrs Harris lives in a small village. Her husband is dead, but she has one son. He is twenty-one and his name is Geoff. He worked in the shop in the village and lived with his mother, but then he got work in a town and went ant lived there. Its name was Greensea. It was quite a long way from his mother's village, and she was not happy about this, but Geoff said, "There isn't any good work for me in the country, Mother, and I can get a lot of money in Greensea and send you some every week." Mrs Harris was very angry last Sunday. She got in a train and went to her son's house in Greensea. Then she said to him, "Geoff, why do you never phone me?" Geoff laughed. "But, Mother", he said, "you haven't got a phone." "No," she answered, "I haven't, but YOU'VE got one!"

====================================================================== 我會(huì)告訴你這篇沒(méi)有中文翻譯嗎。。。

⑦ The Same Action Yields the Same Result相同的投資相同的結(jié)果

A couple of hunters chartered a small plane to fly them to a forest, and made an appointment with the pilot to come back and fetch them in about two weeks. At the end of the two weeks, they had shot a lot of animals that they wanted to load onto the plane. But the pilot said, "This plane won't be able to take more than one wild buffalo. You'll have to leave the others behind." Then the hunters protested, saying, "But last year, another pilot with the same airplane let us take two buffalos and some other animals in the plane as well." So the new pilot thought about it. He was a little bit skeptical, but finally he said, "OK, since you did it last year, I guess this year we can do it again." Then he loaded the two buffalos and a few other animals in, and the plane took off. Five minutes later, it crashed in a neighboring area. The three men climbed out and looked around, and one hunter said to the other, "Where do you think we are now?" The second one surveyed the area and said, "I think we're about one mile to the left of the place we crashed last year."

====================================================================== 有兩個(gè)獵人包機(jī)前往一座森林，到了以后，他們和飛行員約定好兩周后來(lái)接。兩周后，他們射了許多動(dòng)物，而且打算把這些動(dòng)物全部搬上那架小飛機(jī)，可是飛行員說(shuō)：“這架飛機(jī)除了

一頭野牛外，沒(méi)辦法再多載了。你們必須把其他的獵物都留下�！� 獵人說(shuō)：“但是去年另一個(gè)飛行員開(kāi)一樣的飛機(jī)，就讓我們帶兩只水牛，還有一些其他的動(dòng)物上機(jī)！” 因?yàn)樗麄冞@樣抗議，所以那個(gè)新飛行員想了一想后，盡管還是有點(diǎn)存疑，最后還是妥協(xié)說(shuō)：“好吧！如果去年可以做到，今年應(yīng)該也可以�！彼�以他裝了兩頭水牛和一些其他的動(dòng)物。結(jié)果飛機(jī)起飛五分鐘后，就墜落在鄰近的地方。這3個(gè)人從飛機(jī)爬出來(lái)看了看四周，其中一個(gè)獵人對(duì)另一個(gè)說(shuō)：“你認(rèn)為我們現(xiàn)在在哪兒？” 那個(gè)人瞧了一下，說(shuō)：“我想大概距離去年墜機(jī)的地方西邊一英哩遠(yuǎn)！”

⑧ Chief is at the wedding 長(zhǎng)官在婚禮上

A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street.

"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer."I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back."

"But ,officer, I …."

"I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"

A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."

====================================================================== 大街上的一個(gè)超速駕駛者被警察攔住了�！暗�是警官”這個(gè)人說(shuō)道，“我可以解釋的”。 “保持安靜”，警察突然說(shuō)道。“我將把你送往監(jiān)獄，直到長(zhǎng)官回來(lái)�！暗�是，警察，我，，，”。 “我說(shuō)過(guò)了保持安靜，你要到監(jiān)獄了�！睅仔�時(shí)后，警察向監(jiān)獄里看了看說(shuō)道“算你運(yùn)氣好，因?yàn)槲覀兊拈L(zhǎng)官正在他女兒的婚禮上。他將帶著一個(gè)愉快的心情回來(lái)的。” “你確定”在牢房里的這個(gè)人說(shuō)道�！拔揖褪切吕裳健�。

⑨ Who Is the Laziest 誰(shuí)最懶

Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?

Tom: I don't know, father.

Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?

Tom: Our teacher, father.

====================================================================== 父親：哎，湯姆，今天我跟你們老師談過(guò)，現(xiàn)在我想問(wèn)你個(gè)問(wèn)題。你們班上誰(shuí)最懶？湯姆：我不知道，爸爸。父親：啊，不對(duì)，你知道！想想看，當(dāng)別的孩子們都在做作業(yè)、寫(xiě)字時(shí)，誰(shuí)在課堂上坐著，只是看人家做功課？湯姆：我們老師，爸爸。

⑩ Two Birds 兩只鳥(niǎo)

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

====================================================================== 老師： 這兒有兩只鳥(niǎo)，一只是麻雀。誰(shuí)能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？學(xué)生：我指不出，但我知道答案。老師：請(qǐng)說(shuō)說(shuō)看。學(xué)生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。

簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)笑話篇三：英語(yǔ)短笑話

I've Just Bitten My Tongue

"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.

"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"

"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

我剛咬破自己的舌頭

“我們有毒嗎？”一個(gè)年幼的蛇問(wèn)它的母親。

“是的，親愛(ài)的，”她回答說(shuō)，“你問(wèn)這個(gè)干什么？”

“因?yàn)槲覄倓傄�破自己的舌頭�！�

Nest and Hair

My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.

"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.

"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.

"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .

"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

.鳥(niǎo)窩與頭發(fā)

我姐姐是一位小學(xué)老師。一次一個(gè)學(xué)生告訴她說(shuō)一只鳥(niǎo)兒在教室外 的樹(shù)上壘了個(gè)窩。 “是什么鳥(niǎo)呢？”我姐姐問(wèn)她。

“我沒(méi)看到鳥(niǎo)兒，老師，只看到鳥(niǎo)窩�！蹦呛⒆踊卮鹫f(shuō)。

“那么，你能給我們描述一下這個(gè)鳥(niǎo)巢嗎？”我姐姐鼓勵(lì)她道。

“哦，老師，就像你的頭發(fā)一樣。”

Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

給我那個(gè)打贏的吧

-- 服務(wù)員，

這個(gè)龍蝦只有一只爪。

-- 對(duì)不起，先生，這只肯定打過(guò)架了。

-- 哦， 那給我那個(gè)打贏的吧。 Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt's house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.

The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, "Now here's a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman."

"Like a gentleman?" Dick asked. "How do gentlemen do it?"

"They always give the bigger piece to the other person." answered his aunt at once.

"Oh" said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,"Cut this cake in half, Catherine.".

迪克年齡七歲，他的妹妹凱瑟琳五歲。一天，媽媽把他們帶到姨媽家去玩，自己就到大城市去買些新的衣服。

孩子們玩了個(gè)把小時(shí)，在四點(diǎn)半的時(shí)候，姨媽領(lǐng)著迪克走進(jìn)了廚房。她交給迪克一塊精美的蛋糕和一把刀子，并對(duì)他說(shuō)：“喏，迪克，給你刀子，把這塊蛋糕一切為二，給你妹妹一塊。不過(guò)，你得記住要做得像一個(gè)紳士那樣�！�

迪克問(wèn)：“像一個(gè)紳士？紳士怎樣做呢？”

他姨媽馬上回答說(shuō)：“紳士總是把大的一塊讓給別人的。”

迪克說(shuō)了一聲“噢”。他對(duì)此想了一會(huì)，然后，他把蛋糕拿給妹妹，并對(duì)她說(shuō)：“凱瑟琳，你來(lái)把這塊蛋糕一切為二吧。”

I'm Trying to Stop It

“I'm sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .”

“Twenty d ollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”

“Yes ，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”

“對(duì)不起，夫人，為您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元�！�

“20美元！為什么？不是說(shuō)好只要4美元�！�

“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四個(gè)病人嚇跑了�！�

"Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?"

"No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it."

“孩子，你為什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了嗎？”

“沒(méi)有，老師�？墒悄阕蛱煺f(shuō)你告訴我的知識(shí)都是一個(gè)耳朵里進(jìn)，一個(gè)耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面�！�

The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"

"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.". hey Are Directly from America

Not long after an old Chinese women came back to china from her visit to her daughter in the Sates, she went to a city bank to deposit the U.S. dollars her daughter give her . At the bank counter ,the money was real.It mady out of patience.At last she couid not hold any more, uttering :“trust me, Sir, and trustthe money .They are real U.S. dollars. They.are directly from America. ”

漢譯：

真美鈔

一位中國(guó)老婦人到美國(guó)去看望女兒回來(lái)不久，到一家銀行取存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行柜臺(tái)，銀行職員認(rèn)真仔細(xì)的檢查了每一張鈔票看，是否有假。這種做法使老婦人很不耐煩，最后實(shí)在忍不住說(shuō)：“相信我，先生，也請(qǐng)你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，是從美國(guó)直接帶來(lái)的�！�

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?

Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他贏了

湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？

約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。

湯姆：真糟糕，怎么回事兒？

約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰(shuí)能把身子探出窗外最遠(yuǎn)，他贏了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan.

"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問(wèn)，“發(fā)生了什么事？”

“一個(gè)男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡說(shuō)。

“再見(jiàn)到他你能認(rèn)出來(lái)嗎？”媽媽問(wèn)。

“他走到哪里我都能認(rèn)出他，”伊凡說(shuō)�！八�的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢�！�

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。

“昨天給你的錢干什么了？”

“我給了一個(gè)可憐的老太婆，”他回答說(shuō)。 “你真是個(gè)好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說(shuō)�！霸俳o你兩分錢�？赡銥槭裁磳�(duì)那位老太太那么感興趣呢？”

“她是個(gè)賣糖果的。”

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questi

ons. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning

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