中外幽默笑話集錦篇一：精選爆笑笑話集錦

1. 你拉著一頭豬逛街，很幸福的樣子。 我經(jīng)過(guò)，滿懷同情地說(shuō)：“看一個(gè)人的檔次，就看他跟誰(shuí)在一起。” 話未說(shuō)完，就看到豬很鄙夷地棄你而去。

2. 一個(gè)人帶著他的助手去打高爾夫球，第一球沒(méi)打進(jìn)，大罵：“他媽的打偏了，”助手對(duì)他說(shuō)：“不要罵人，會(huì)被雷劈的�！钡诙�球打了出去，又沒(méi)進(jìn)：“他媽的又打偏了。”這時(shí)風(fēng)云大變，一道閃電劈了下來(lái)，把那個(gè)助手劈死了，打球的那個(gè)人正納悶，不是罵人才會(huì)被劈嘛。。。這是天上傳來(lái)一句話：“他媽的我也打偏了。”。。

3. 大學(xué)有一哥們從來(lái)口無(wú)遮攔，但是常被我們駁倒，每次被駁倒之后，他總氣急敗壞地說(shuō)：“我詛咒你女朋友不是處女！”這招還真靈，大家都拿他沒(méi)辦法。 有一天，他故伎重演，還變本加厲地罵道：“我詛咒你們宿舍所有人的女朋友都不是處女�。。　�

這時(shí)，宿舍里很少言語(yǔ)的一個(gè)GG在大家沉默的時(shí)候來(lái)了一句：“我們真誠(chéng)祝福你的女朋友永遠(yuǎn)都是處女……”

4. 甲老師在批改英語(yǔ)作文，忽然大發(fā)雷霆：“我從來(lái)沒(méi)看過(guò)這么爛的英語(yǔ)作文�！� 乙老師見(jiàn)狀問(wèn)：“寫(xiě)的是什么��？”

甲老師：“寫(xiě)一個(gè)王子和公主的故事�！�

“不錯(cuò)呀！”乙說(shuō)。

“他竟然在開(kāi)頭寫(xiě)王子問(wèn)公主?Can you speak Chinese??公主回答?Yes?，接下來(lái)的全部都是中文！”

5. 在一個(gè)非常非常寒冷的早晨，哥與朋友 去提款機(jī)取錢。正好遇見(jiàn)運(yùn)鈔車來(lái)加鈔。無(wú)奈之下 兩人只好站在一旁苦苦等候，這時(shí)朋友問(wèn)我：“凍 手不？”哥冷冷地回一句：“凍手！” 結(jié)果四 桿槍瞬間指向俺倆，俺倆差點(diǎn)悲劇 ......(難過(guò))

6. 我一朋友在聯(lián)通實(shí)習(xí)，一天，一老頭走近來(lái)，劈頭蓋臉就來(lái)句“給我辦張移動(dòng)卡，好吧？”然后我那朋友頭也不抬的就來(lái)句：“師傅，有人來(lái)砸場(chǎng)子！” 7. 犯人被執(zhí)行槍決，由于子彈質(zhì)量不好，第一槍沒(méi)響，接著又開(kāi)了第二槍。。。第三槍。。。這時(shí)犯人哭了，抱著法警的大腿說(shuō)：大哥你掐死我把！太他媽嚇人了.....

8. 某精神病院聽(tīng)說(shuō)領(lǐng)導(dǎo)要來(lái)醫(yī)院視察情況，于是，院長(zhǎng)召集所的病人開(kāi)會(huì)在會(huì)上， 院長(zhǎng)講道：“今天下午，有很重要的領(lǐng)導(dǎo)要來(lái)參觀，所有的人都要去門(mén)口歡迎。在歡 迎的時(shí)候，所有病人站在醫(yī)院大門(mén)口兩邊，要站整齊，當(dāng)我咳嗽的時(shí)候，大家一起鼓 掌，越熱烈越好；我跺腳的時(shí)候必須全部停止，不能有一個(gè)出錯(cuò)。要大家都做好了， 今天晚上可以給大家吃肉包子，只要有一個(gè)人弄砸了，所有的人都沒(méi)有包子吃，記住 了嗎？”臺(tái)下病人一起喊道：“記住了！” 這天下午，領(lǐng)導(dǎo)準(zhǔn)時(shí)到來(lái)，當(dāng)他步入大門(mén)的時(shí)候，歡迎的病人已在門(mén)口站好了這 時(shí)，隨著院 長(zhǎng)一聲咳嗽，所有的病人一起鼓掌歡迎，氣氛十分熱烈。來(lái)參觀的領(lǐng)導(dǎo) 受到熱烈氣氛的感染，面帶笑容，和大家一起鼓掌步入醫(yī)院。見(jiàn)領(lǐng)導(dǎo)已經(jīng)走進(jìn)了醫(yī) 院，院長(zhǎng)一跺腳，所的掌聲都停止了，非常整齊。只有這位領(lǐng)導(dǎo)還在面帶笑容一邊鼓 掌一前行，院長(zhǎng)感到非常滿意。忽然，從歡迎的人群里竄出來(lái)一個(gè)壯如施瓦辛格的病 人，大步?jīng)_到領(lǐng)導(dǎo)面前，掄圓了給了他一個(gè)大耳光，氣憤異常地吼道——“你丫不想吃包子了？�。�！”

9. 酒吧里，喬治獨(dú)自在喝著啤酒。他突然覺(jué)得自己要去洗手間，他怕離開(kāi)后有

人偷喝他的啤酒，便在桌上寫(xiě)了一張紙條：“我在杯中吐了口水�！彼�回來(lái)后，發(fā)現(xiàn)紙上又加了一句：“我也吐了一口�！薄�。。

10. 一次軍事演戲中，一棵炮彈偏離很遠(yuǎn)。派去查看的士兵發(fā)現(xiàn)，炮彈落在農(nóng)田

里，田中站著一農(nóng)民，衣衫破碎滿面漆黑，雙眼含淚的說(shuō)：偷棵白菜，犯得著用炮轟嗎？？？

11. 飛機(jī)上，一只鸚鵡對(duì)空姐說(shuō)：“給爺來(lái)杯水”，豬也學(xué)鸚鵡，對(duì)空姐說(shuō)：“給爺

來(lái)杯水”，空姐大怒，將鸚鵡和豬都扔下了飛機(jī)。這時(shí)鸚鵡對(duì)豬說(shuō)：“傻了吧，爺會(huì)飛。”

13.某日，一個(gè)大學(xué)老師提問(wèn)一學(xué)生，樹(shù)上有十只鳥(niǎo)，開(kāi)槍打死一只，還剩幾只？ 學(xué)生反問(wèn)：是無(wú)聲手槍嗎？不是槍聲有多大？80-100分貝。在這個(gè)城市打鳥(niǎo)犯不犯法？不犯。您確定那只鳥(niǎo)真的被打死了嗎？確定。這時(shí)，老師已經(jīng)不耐煩了：“，你告訴我還剩幾只鳥(niǎo)就行了，OK？樹(shù)上的鳥(niǎo)里有沒(méi)有聾子？沒(méi)有。有沒(méi)有被關(guān)在籠子里掛在樹(shù)上的？沒(méi)有。邊上有沒(méi)有其他的樹(shù)，樹(shù)上還有沒(méi)有其他的鳥(niǎo)？沒(méi)有。如果有鳥(niǎo)懷孕了，算不算肚子里的小鳥(niǎo)？不算。 打鳥(niǎo)的人眼有沒(méi)有花？沒(méi)有花，就十只。教師已經(jīng)是滿頭是汗，且下課鈴響，但學(xué)生繼續(xù)問(wèn)：有沒(méi)有傻得不怕死的鳥(niǎo)？都怕死。會(huì)不會(huì)一槍打死兩只？不會(huì)。學(xué)生滿懷信心地說(shuō)：，如果您的回答沒(méi)有騙人“打死的鳥(niǎo)要是掛在樹(shù)上沒(méi)有掉下來(lái)，那么就剩一只，如果掉下來(lái)，就一只不剩。老師當(dāng)即口吐白沫倒在地上！

14. 有兩個(gè)造假鈔的不小心造出面值15元的假鈔，兩人決定拿到偏遠(yuǎn)山區(qū)花掉，當(dāng)他們拿一張15元買了1元的糖葫蘆好，他們哭了，農(nóng)民找了他們兩張7塊的。

15夏天，一只長(zhǎng)頸鹿遇到一只兔子，她對(duì)兔子很得意地炫耀她的脖子： 啊，小兔子，你知道有個(gè)長(zhǎng)長(zhǎng)的脖子多好嗎？你知道那些最高處的樹(shù)葉是多么鮮嫩甜美嗎？你知道夏天喝水的感覺(jué)嗎？清爽的水慢慢經(jīng)過(guò)脖子，兔子看了她一眼，只說(shuō)了一句：”你試過(guò)吐沒(méi)有？”

16,“老婆，劉翔比賽馬上就開(kāi)始了，你看選手都準(zhǔn)備下蹲起跑了，讓我看完咱們?cè)僮龊脝�？�?/p>

“不嘛不嘛，人家現(xiàn)在就想要！”

男人無(wú)奈關(guān)了電視，與老婆大干一番。

完事之后，男人打開(kāi)電視， 電視里解說(shuō)員激動(dòng)地喊著：“劉翔沖刺！贏了！冠軍！ 12秒97！”

17某男見(jiàn)同事將情人電話備注改成10086后，多次在緊急情況下脫險(xiǎn)，便也效仿。某天晚上，該男第一次在妻子面前接到情人電話，還故意讓妻子看來(lái)電顯示：10086。

看完，妻子立刻搶過(guò)手機(jī)，將電話中正撒嬌的女人一頓臭罵，然后對(duì)丈夫吼道：“你當(dāng)老娘傻��！你用的是聯(lián)通卡，10086給你打電話，串門(mén)走親戚啊？”

18. 聯(lián)通推出iphone沃信來(lái)對(duì)抗微信。據(jù)知情人士透露聯(lián)通將會(huì)繼續(xù)推出專門(mén)為iphone設(shè)計(jì)的座充“沃槽”，手機(jī)支架“沃靠”，屏幕清潔布“沃擦”，地圖軟件“沃去”，日歷插件“沃日”，播放器“沃勒歌去”！

19. 老爸接孩子從幼兒園回家，路上孩子對(duì)他說(shuō)：爸爸，我累了。老爸對(duì)孩子說(shuō)：咱倆數(shù)到三，爸爸就抱你走，行不行？ 孩子很高興的答應(yīng)了。然后，老爸大聲說(shuō)：預(yù)備——齊步走！1、2、1；1、2、1；1、2、1。。。他們倆一路走回家了。。。

20一游泳教練在商場(chǎng)里購(gòu)物。一個(gè)漂亮的女士向他打招呼。他定睛一看，是他的一個(gè)學(xué)員。他于是大聲說(shuō)到：“你穿上衣服，還真認(rèn)不出你！”

21. 電腦老是藍(lán)屏，無(wú)奈把我的好哥們叫來(lái)檢查一下。 他來(lái)了看了足足十分鐘，然后問(wèn)我：“你顯示器是不是哈六生產(chǎn)的？” 我沒(méi)聽(tīng)明白，隨便應(yīng)了句：“恩！” 隨后他說(shuō)：“哈藥六廠生產(chǎn)的就是藍(lán)屏的！

22. 不要跟電子眼慪氣今天我在開(kāi)車時(shí)，測(cè)速電子眼閃了我一下。我絕對(duì)沒(méi)有超速，于是我又回去以更慢的速度經(jīng)過(guò)那個(gè)電子眼，它又閃了。我很疑惑，就又試了一次，它果然又閃了。覺(jué)得好玩，我就以龜速又通過(guò)了它。后來(lái)我因?yàn)闆](méi)系安全帶收到了4張罰單。

23. 大清早，一哥們對(duì)我說(shuō)：“看新聞了嗎？出六級(jí)試卷那磚家被劫匪綁架了，劫匪讓拿一千萬(wàn)贖人，要不然就用汽油燒死。現(xiàn)在正募捐著呢，咱也捐點(diǎn)吧。 ”我說(shuō)：“好，大家伙兒一般都捐多少？”那哥們說(shuō)：“看情況吧，有捐2升的，也有捐10升的。。。

24半年前，為了鞭策自己減肥，我堅(jiān)持每天記錄自己的體重，填入Excel表格，生成一個(gè)走勢(shì)圖……今天，同事經(jīng)過(guò)我的座位，只見(jiàn)他走過(guò)去了又若有所思地倒了回來(lái)，趴我耳邊悄悄問(wèn)：那個(gè)……能不能透露一下，你這是哪只股票��？走勢(shì)蠻好的……蠻好的……好的……的…

25．10 9 8 7 6 。。。 1 起床！東風(fēng)一號(hào)跟蹤正常，遙測(cè)信號(hào)正常，手機(jī)鬧鐘提示正常，內(nèi)衣穿著正常，外套穿著正常，棉被展開(kāi)正常，身體與床板正在分離，身體與床板正在。。。分離。。。擦！可恥滴失敗鳥(niǎo)。。。。

26. 黑猩猩不小心踩到了長(zhǎng)臂猿拉的大便，長(zhǎng)臂猿溫柔細(xì)心地幫其擦洗干凈后它們相愛(ài)了。別人問(wèn)起他們是怎么走到一起的？黑猩猩感慨地說(shuō)：猿糞！都是猿糞��！

27. 同事老公姓周，她姓夏，在討論將來(lái)寶寶名字，想好一個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單的“周一”，大家說(shuō)，不錯(cuò)不錯(cuò)，這個(gè)名字還有延續(xù)性，一口氣可以生七個(gè)，從周一到周七，有人問(wèn)：那如果生了第八個(gè)怎么辦呢？同事說(shuō)：第八個(gè)就叫夏周一

28．9對(duì)3說(shuō)，我除了你，還是你；4對(duì)2說(shuō)，我除了2，還是2；1對(duì)0說(shuō)，我除了你，一切都沒(méi)有意義；0對(duì)1說(shuō)，我除了你，就是孤獨(dú)的自己 。數(shù)學(xué)是最浪漫的，它比世上任何東西都要完美，它從不說(shuō)謊，也不會(huì)背叛。

中外幽默笑話集錦篇二：中西方文化差異鬧出的笑話

英語(yǔ)劇

中西風(fēng)俗習(xí)慣差異鬧出的笑話

4個(gè)人

留學(xué)生Jim受邀到寶玉家吃飯。

場(chǎng)景一

邀請(qǐng)

Baoyu: Hello, Jim. How are you today?

Jim: Not bad. What about you?

Baoyu: I’m OK. If you have time, you can come to my house to have dinner. Jim: （做貪婪狀）Really? I really want to go. Can I go tonight?

Baoyu: (苦笑。我是說(shuō)客套話而已啊。) OK, OK. You can come tonight.

Jim: （驚喜）You are my good friend. Oh, very very very good friend. I really want to try some special Chinese food. I like Beijing duck, dumplings, mapo tofu, shuizhu fish, gongbao chicken, hongshao pork ….

Baoyu: （無(wú)奈）Oh, my god! You are a chihuo.

場(chǎng)景二

見(jiàn)面, Jim 敲門(mén)，寶玉開(kāi)門(mén)。

Baoyu: Hello. Jim. This is my mother.

Baoyu’s Mom: （伸手，準(zhǔn)備握手）Nice to meet you.

Jim: (擁抱) Oh, Baoyu’s mother. You are so beautiful.

Baoyu’s Mom: （尷尬躲避）Welcome, welcome, welcome. Please sit down. Jim: （遞上一包糖果）Here is some presents for you.

Baoyu: Thank you. You don’t need to bring these things.

Jim: Really? OK, I’ll bring it back.（放回自己的口袋）

Baoyu: （一臉黑線）Dinner is ready. Let’s have dinner.

Jim: OK.

場(chǎng)景三

吃飯

大家一起到餐桌，坐下，吃飯。

Jim: Oh，chopsticks! Let me try. I think I can’t use them. Can you give me a spoon. Baoyu: OK. Here you are. Please eat some fish.（給Jim夾魚(yú)肉）

Jim: No, thank you. I can help myself.

Baoyu: Don’t be courteous.

Baoyu’s mother: Please eat some chicken. Please eat some duck. Please eat some tofu. Please eat some egg…

Jim: （眼睛瞪大）You are so hospitable. I can help myself.

Baoyu: Don’t be courteous. Eat… eat…（繼續(xù)夾菜給Jim）

Jim: （尷尬無(wú)奈地吃）

Baoyu: I am so happy you can come. Let’s drink some wine. Cheers.

Jim: （喝了一口）Good wine. Good wine.

Baoyu: Oh, you must drink it all. Yes, yes, one cup again. （繼續(xù)倒酒）

Jim: Oh, no no no … I can’t drink so much wine.

Baoyu: Give me face, friend. Drink it all…

Jim: （無(wú)奈喝掉, 結(jié)果因?yàn)槌蕴�飽喝太多暈倒。�?/p>

Baoyu: Call 110.

中外幽默笑話集錦篇三：英語(yǔ)笑話集錦

Only a few words

At a court the judge is interrogating a mugger but gets into difficulty because the mugger is a foreigner who doesn't speak English. "Don't you speak English at all?" the judge asks. "Only a few words," replies the mugger.

"What words do you know?"

"Your purse or your life!"

Marry Him

Jane loved Tony , but she worried about all the money he squandered when they went out together. "How can I stop Tony spending so much money on me?" She asked her mother

Gallant Effort

At a dinner party a shy young man had been trying to think of something nice to say to his hostess. At last he saw his chance when she turned to him and remarked, "What a small appetite you have tonight, Mr. Jones."

"To sit next to you," he replied gallantly, "would cause any man to lose his appetite."

I am the Driver

The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn't let him aboard.

"It's too crowded," they shouted. "What do you think you are?"

"I'm the driver," he said

I want a nightmare

Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that I' passed today's exam." "Don't trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied. "Then I do hope I'll fail the other subjects n my dream tonight," Tom said.

I can go home

One day after school the teacher said to his students, "Tomorrow morning, if any one of you can answer my first question, I will permit him or her to go home earlier." The next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard daubed. He was very angry and asked, "Who did it? Please stand up!" "It's me," said Bob, "Now, I

can go home. Good-bye, Sir."

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?

Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me,&quo

t; replied Ivan.

"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."

"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

Good news and bad news

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office. "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom,he's dead."Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."

It worked

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Life after death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

Business just started

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and

had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

You can married one of them

One day girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for a while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

Blonde Tries To Repair Her Car

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.

She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.

She said that was too much and wasn't there some other way to fix it?

The body man decided to have a little fun and said "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out!"

She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. So she drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.

"What are you doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car" explained the first blonde.

"Well silly, it's not going to work" replied her neighbor.

"Why not"? asked the first blonde.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first"

I am a Busy Man

One day a bunch of naughty children wanted to make fun of him and said to him:" There are birds' eggs on that tree. Won't you get them for us please? We can't climb up."

Loath to disappoint the children, he was ready to climb the tree. But knowing that the mischievous youngsters would make off with his boots if he left them on the ground, he tied them to his waist-band before he started the climb.

"We'll take care of your boots for you!" the children chorused.

"No, thank you!" was he reply. "I am a busy man. And as soon as I've got the eggs for you;I'll make my way home along the tree-tops."

Not too Bad

"Did you sell any of your paintings at the art show?"

"No, but I am encouraged," he replied. "Somebody stole one

When a Tiger comes

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them.

One of the guys takes out a pair of "Nikes" from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"

His friend replies: "I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you."

It depends

Traveler: Can I catch the three o'clock train to Toronto?

Ticket agent: That depends on how fast you can run. It left fifteen minutes ago.

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