爆笑的英語(yǔ)笑話
發(fā)布時(shí)間:2017-01-28 來源: 幽默笑話 點(diǎn)擊： 
爆笑的英語(yǔ)笑話篇一：爆笑的經(jīng)典英語(yǔ)小笑話
爆笑的經(jīng)典英語(yǔ)小笑話
英語(yǔ)笑話（一）
老師在黑板上寫了一句：Time is money.并讓同學(xué)們翻譯。有名學(xué)生答道：“湯姆是瑪麗�！�
小明上英文課時(shí)跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?
老師說：Go ahead.
小明就坐了下來。過了一會(huì)兒，小明又跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?
老師說：Go ahead.
小明又坐了下來。他旁邊的同學(xué)于是忍不住問：你不是跟老師說要上廁所嗎？怎么不去？
小明說：你沒聽老師說「去你個(gè)頭」��！
英語(yǔ)笑話（二）
某日劉洪濤遇到外賓，上前搭話曰：I am hongtao liu，外賓曰：我TM還是方片七呢！
英語(yǔ)笑話（三）
江青會(huì)見外賓，要求翻譯要嚴(yán)格按她的意思翻，不許走樣。外賓一見到江青，立刻拍馬屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻譯照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上還要謙虛一下：“哪里，哪里”。
翻譯不敢怠慢，把江青的話翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外賓一愣，還有這樣的人，追問哪里漂亮的，干脆馬屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."
翻譯：“你到處都很漂亮。”江青更高興了，但總是要客氣一下：“不見得，不見得”。翻譯趕緊翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see."
英語(yǔ)笑話（四）
話說某年某月的某一天，叁個(gè)神箭手約在一起比箭，目標(biāo)是十尺外仆人頭上的蘋果。A神箭手挽弓長(zhǎng)射，咻一聲，利箭正中蘋果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「I AM后羿！」
B神箭手照本宣科，射中蘋果，這回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM丘比特！」
輪到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！ 結(jié)果正中仆人的心臟。就聽他結(jié)結(jié)巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」 英語(yǔ)笑話（五）
某人刻苦學(xué)習(xí)英語(yǔ)，終有小成。一日上街不慎與一老外相撞， 忙說：I am sorry.
老外應(yīng)道：I am sorry too.
某人聽后又道：I am sorry three.
老外不解，問：What are you sorry for?
某人無(wú)奈，道：I am sorry five.
英語(yǔ)笑話（六）
一位來自日本的旅客，坐出租車去機(jī)場(chǎng)的路上，看到一輛汽車經(jīng)過，就說：“oh，TOKOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”又有一輛經(jīng)過，他又說： “oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”司機(jī)有點(diǎn)不高興，覺得他太吵了！當(dāng)?shù)谌v經(jīng)過時(shí)，他還是說：“oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”
后來到了機(jī)場(chǎng)，那個(gè)日本人就問：“How Much？”出租車司機(jī)說：“1000！”
日本人驚奇的問司機(jī)：“為什么那么貴？”出租車司機(jī)回答說：“oh，mileometer（計(jì) 程表）！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”
英語(yǔ)笑話（七）
英語(yǔ)老師問一個(gè)學(xué)生，“How are you是什么意思”
學(xué)生想how是怎么，you 是你，于是回答“怎么是你？”
老師生氣又問另一個(gè)同學(xué)：“How old are you ?是什么意思？”
這個(gè)同學(xué)想了想說：“怎么老是你�！�
英語(yǔ)笑話（八）
某男，粗通英文，至使館，有表要填，有一欄是sex。
該男思之久已，毅然下筆：“Once a week“。
簽證官觀后暴笑，曰：“This item should be filled in with male or female.“
該男頓時(shí)赧顏，思之，填下“female“，官楞之，曰：“shouldn’t it be male?“
男急釋曰：“I am a normal man, so I have sex with female.”
英語(yǔ)笑話（九）
一位在美的留學(xué)生，想要考國(guó)際駕照。在考試時(shí)因?yàn)檫^于緊張，看到地上標(biāo)線是向左轉(zhuǎn)。
他不放心的問道:turn left？
監(jiān)考官回答：right.
于是他立刻向右轉(zhuǎn)。
很抱歉他只有下次再來。
英語(yǔ)笑話（十）
傳說克林頓和教皇同一天去世，上帝搞錯(cuò)了，把克林頓送上了天堂，而把教皇送入了
地獄。發(fā)現(xiàn)錯(cuò)誤后上帝馬上改了回來，路上二人相遇。
教皇：感謝上帝，我終于能見到圣母瑪利亞了（Virgin Maria）.
克林頓（壞笑中）：Sorry，it"s too late.
英語(yǔ)笑話（十一）
A：What’s on your hand？
B：Watch.
A：How to spell that？
B：T-H-A-T~
英語(yǔ)笑話（十二）
女：say“i love you”，say it，come on！say it！ 男：it！
爆笑的英語(yǔ)笑話篇二：英語(yǔ)幽默笑話集錦絕對(duì)好笑
一． Mental deficiency 智力缺陷
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked ..."how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." " Well, What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
“醫(yī)生，你能不能告訴我，”鮑勃問，“對(duì)于一個(gè)看 上去很正常的人，你是怎樣判斷出他有智力缺陷的呢？”“再?zèng)]有比這容易的了，”醫(yī)生回答，“問他一個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單的問題，簡(jiǎn)單到所有人都知道答案，如果他回答得不 干脆，那你就知道是怎么回事了�！薄澳且獑柺裁礃拥膯栴}呢？”“嗯，你可以這樣問，?庫(kù)克船長(zhǎng)環(huán)球旅行了三次，但是在其中一次的途中他去世了，是哪一次 呢？?”鮑勃想了一會(huì)兒，緊張的回答道，“你就不能問另外一個(gè)問題嗎？坦率地說，我對(duì)歷史了解的不是很多�！�
二． A Girl's Name 女孩的名字
A Girl's Name
When our daughter was born, we named her Myles, after my beloved late（已故的） father, despite family warning that the name was too masculine（男性的） .
Years later, when I felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, Your name is very special. I named you after my own father because I loved him very much. I know he would be proud of you.
Myles thought carefully about this and then said, I know all that, Mom. But I don't understand why my grandfather had a girl's name.
女孩的名字
女兒出生時(shí)，我們給她取名叫邁爾斯，和我深愛的業(yè)已過世的父親同一個(gè)名字，不過家人提醒這個(gè)名字太男性化了。
幾年以后，我覺得邁爾斯已經(jīng)長(zhǎng)大，能夠懂事了。我對(duì)她解釋說：你的名字很特別。我給你取了一個(gè)和我爸爸一樣的名字，因?yàn)槲曳浅鬯�。我相信他�?huì)為你而深感自豪的。
邁爾斯很仔細(xì)地想了一下，然后說道：這些我都懂，媽媽�？墒俏也恢劳夤珵槭裁磿�(huì)有一個(gè)女孩子的名字。
三． A Gentle Reminder委婉提醒
Having been married a long time, my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion. On the morning of our 35th anniversary, we were sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted, "Honey, do you realize that we've been sitting in these same two seats for exactly 35 years?"
Putting down the newspaper, he looked straight at me and said, "So, you want to switch seats?" 婚后已久，我丈夫往往在一個(gè)特別事情上需要委婉的提醒。在我們結(jié)婚35周年紀(jì)念的早上，我們正坐在早餐桌旁，我暗示道：“親愛的，你意識(shí)到我們?cè)谶@兩個(gè)相同的座位上已坐了整整35年了嗎？”
他放下報(bào)紙，眼睛直直地望著我：“因此，你想交換座位嗎？”
四． 請(qǐng)朋友吃飯 Friend for Dinner
Friend for Dinner
Honey, said the husband to his wife, I invited a friend home for supper.
What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I havent been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I dont feel like cooking a fancy meal!
I know all that.
Then why did you invite a friend for supper?
Because the poor fools thinking about getting married.
請(qǐng)朋友吃飯
“親愛的，”丈夫?qū)ζ拮诱f：“我邀請(qǐng)了一位朋友回家吃晚飯�！�
“什么？你瘋了嗎？我們的房子亂糟糟的，我很久沒有買過東西回來了，所有的碗碟都是臟的，還有，我可不想做一餐累死人的晚飯。”
“這些我全都知道�！�
“那你為什么還要邀請(qǐng)朋友回來吃晚飯？”
“因?yàn)槟莻�(gè)可憐的笨蛋正考慮要結(jié)婚呢�！�
五． 半個(gè)還是十分之五Half or Five Tenths?
Half or Five Tenths?
Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths?
Gerald: I'd much rather have the half.
Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why.
Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths.
半個(gè)還是十分之五
老師：你愿意要半個(gè)柑橘，還是十分之五個(gè)柑橘?
杰拉得：我寧可要半個(gè)。
老師：仔細(xì)想想，說出理由來。
杰拉得：因?yàn)槟闳绻迅涕偾谐墒种�，那柑橘汁就損失太多了。
六． I don't think I know我想我不知道
Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
John: "What do you think it is, sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
John: "I don't think I know either, sir!"
老師：“John，動(dòng)詞ring的過去分詞是什么？”。
約翰：“你想它是什么呢”？
老師：“我不用想，我知道！”。
約翰：“我想我不知道”。
七． 情人節(jié)的夢(mèng)表亂講
One night just before Valentine's Day a woman had a lovely dream about a beautiful necklace. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it could mean?"
"You'll find out on Valentine's Day." he said with a knowing smile.
On Valentine's Day, the man gave his delighted wife a beautifully wrapped package.
Excitedly, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".
情人節(jié)前一天，一個(gè)女人做了個(gè)項(xiàng)鏈的夢(mèng)。
當(dāng)她醒來，她和她丈夫說：“我剛夢(mèng)到你情人節(jié)給了我一根珍珠項(xiàng)鏈。你說那是什么含義呢？”。
“到情人節(jié)那天你就會(huì)知道了。”他笑著說。
情人節(jié)那天，男人給了他老婆一個(gè)禮盒。
她很興奮地打開，看到的卻是一本書，書名是《夢(mèng)的解析》。
八． 最物理學(xué)的冷笑話
A bunch of great, DEAD scientists were playing hide-and-seek in heaven. When it's Einstein's turn to be the seeker, he counted untill 100 and opened his eyes. All the others were hide, but only Newton were still standing there.
Einstein walked to him and said: "Newton, I've got you!"
Newton answered: "No. You didn't got Newton."
Einstein said: "Then who are you!?"
Newton said: "Look, where am I standing?"
Einstein looked down and found that Newton was standing on a square floor board with one metre long and one metre wide. He didn't understand.
Newton then said: "There's one square meters under my feet. It then make us 'Newton divided by square meter". So, what you've got is not Newton, but Pascal."
一群偉大的科學(xué)家去世后在天堂里玩藏貓貓。輪到愛因斯坦抓人，他數(shù)到100睜開眼睛，看到所有的人都藏起來了，只有牛頓還站在那里。
愛因斯坦走過去說：“牛頓，我抓住你了�！�
牛頓：“不，你沒有抓到牛頓�！�
愛因斯坦：“你不是牛頓你還能是誰(shuí)？”
牛頓：“你看我腳下是什么？”
愛因斯坦低頭，看到牛頓站在一塊長(zhǎng)、寬都是一米的正方形地板磚上，大為不解。
牛頓：“我腳下是一平方米的方塊，我站在上面就是牛頓/平方米。所以你抓住的不是牛頓，你抓住的是帕斯卡�！�
物理公式當(dāng)中“1牛頓/平方米=1帕斯卡”??物理學(xué)家的笑話好冷、真的好冷??
九． 上帝不聾奶奶聾
Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:"I PRAY FOR A BIKE... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."
His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
2個(gè)男孩與祖父母一起過夜，他們跪在床邊做睡前禱告。弟弟聲嘶力竭地祈禱: "我祈求一輛自行車，一張新DVD??"
哥哥用肘輕推他: "你為什么大喊著祈禱？上帝又不聾。"
弟弟答道:"上帝是不聾，但是奶奶聾。"
“好孩子�，F(xiàn)在告訴我們，你是怎樣使你奶奶高興的�！�
“是這樣的，老師。我昨天去看她，在她那兒呆了三個(gè)小時(shí)。然后我跟她說：‘奶奶，我要回家了。’她說：‘啊，我很高興！’”
十． 謹(jǐn)遵醫(yī)囑 Doctor's Orders
爆笑的英語(yǔ)笑話篇三：看笑話學(xué)英語(yǔ)笑話大全爆笑翻譯
1.One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms look
一天，有一個(gè)城市里的游客來到一個(gè)小鄉(xiāng)村，在鄉(xiāng)間路上開著車，想看看農(nóng)莊是什么樣子，也想看看農(nóng)夫怎樣種田過日子。這位城里人看見一位農(nóng)夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱著一頭豬，并把它舉得高高的，好讓它能夠吃到樹上的蘋果。城里人對(duì)農(nóng)夫說，"我看你的豬挺喜歡吃蘋果的，但是，這不是很浪費(fèi)時(shí)間嗎?"那位農(nóng)夫 回答說，"時(shí)間對(duì)豬有什么意義?"
2.The Looney Bin
Late one night at the insane asylum (瘋?cè)嗽海﹐ne inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"
瘋?cè)嗽?/p>
一天晚上，在瘋?cè)嗽豪铮粋�(gè)病人說：“我是拿破侖！”另一個(gè)說：“你怎么知道？”第一個(gè)人說：“上帝對(duì)我說的！”一會(huì)兒，一個(gè)聲音從另一個(gè)房間傳來：“我沒說！”
Notes:
（1）Looney (俚語(yǔ)）瘋子
（2）inmate （n.同住者, 同室者(特指在醫(yī)院、監(jiān)獄)）
（3）insane asylum (瘋?cè)嗽海?/p>
3.Boxing and Running
Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box."
Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too."
拳擊和賽跑
丹在教他的兒子怎樣拳擊。他告訴他的朋友：“這是一個(gè)粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的兒子怎么去拼搏�！�
朋友：“如果他碰上的對(duì)手是一個(gè)比他高大，健壯而且也會(huì)拳擊的人怎么辦？”
丹：“我也會(huì)教他怎么樣賽跑呢。”
NOTE
come up against 遇到一個(gè)對(duì)手 against表示相對(duì)的相反的
4.The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell.
So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, "I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George." Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder. "Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?"
George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. It’s just that they’re all in here!"
典獄長(zhǎng)對(duì)獄中一位囚犯深感同情，因?yàn)槊糠曛苣┑奶皆L日，大多數(shù)囚犯都有家人或朋友來訪，但是可憐的喬治總是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。
因此在一個(gè)探訪日，典獄長(zhǎng)把喬治叫到辦公室說：“喬治，我注意到從來沒有人來探望過你�！彼麧M懷同情地把手放在喬治的肩膀上：“告訴我，你沒有任何朋友或家人嗎？”
喬治回答：“喔！當(dāng)然有，典獄長(zhǎng)，只不過他們?nèi)荚谶@里面！”
5.Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
警察：有人搶你的手表時(shí)，你為什么不呼救呢？
男子：要是我張口的話，他們就會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)我的四顆金牙。那就更糟了。
6.A shoplifter（商店扒手）51kxh.cn |was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook（騙子，壞蛋） looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend."
一個(gè)小偷在一家珠寶店企圖偷走一只手表的時(shí)候被當(dāng)場(chǎng)擒獲。“聽著，”小偷說，“我知道你們也不想惹麻煩。我把這只表買下，然后我們就當(dāng)什么也沒發(fā)生，你看怎樣？”
經(jīng)理表示同意，然后列了一張售貨單。小偷看著單子說道：“這比我最初的預(yù)算稍稍高了一點(diǎn)，你們還有沒有便宜一點(diǎn)兒東西。"
7.The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by asentry（哨兵） . When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams（縫合線） . [來自我要看笑話51kxh.cn]
"What's in here?" he asked.
"Dirt," the driver replied.
"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."
Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.
A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.
"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.
"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.
Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.
The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender（酒保） .
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